My daughter’s travel soccer team triumphed in their division at the Westlake Invitational Soccer Tournament over Memorial Day weekend 2024, their elation unmistakable. Laura Johnston
CLEVELAND, Ohio – What actions should you take if your daughter is devastated by not making the team? How should you respond if your son wants to give up following a challenging match?
The realm of youth sports is fraught with challenges.
“Years ago, say 15 or even 10, children had the opportunity to engage in various sports. Nowadays, the seasons collide. Parents are registering their children in two or three sports simultaneously,” explains psychologist David Udelf, who has over 50 years of experience coaching children, also at St. Edward High School. “This leads to immense pressure, haste, and rush, contributing significantly to anxiety. It’s more prevalent now than ever before,” he noted.
What’s a parent to do?
I am no sports analyst. I quit soccer at age 8. The only pointers I can give my sporty kids are in swimming. (They don’t land well.)
Thankfully, you don’t have to be an athlete to enjoy your kids’ athletic pursuits; the point is not to live vicariously, but rather watch and cheer from the sidelines, to encourage them to try their best and to help guide them through their feelings.
That doesn’t mean managing youth sports is easy. Maybe we worry that if other kids are playing on club teams and taking private lessons year-round, our kids must too. Otherwise, they won’t make the high school team. What if other parents give their kids $10 for every goal, or volunteer to coach just so their kids get prime playing time? What about the parents who seem caught up in the culture and want to win at all costs?
The landscape of youth sports can often seem like uncharted territory, with parents left to navigate the complexities on their own, says Ryan Virtue, who is a senior regional partnership manager at the Positive Coaching Alliance.
“Many of these youth sporting programs are led by parents and lack any organizational oversight or affiliations to standardize procedures,” mentioned Virtue.
Cleveland.com and the Plain Dealer are stepping in to guide parents, whether they are nurturing future Little Leaguers or potential Olympic stars. In collaboration with WKYC in the initiative “How to win at youth sports (without going broke or breaking down),” insights and strategies were shared by specialists to help parents cultivate well-rounded and emotionally stable athletes.
This is the expert guidance provided, alongside a mother’s perspective on the matter.
Cleveland.com/The Plain Dealer is collaborating with WKYC to bring a youth sports series this summer. What insights are needed to succeed in youth sports?Laura Johnston
Have you ever seen a parent completely lose their composure at a game?
“There’s a lack of awareness, a lack of intentionality,” Virtue commented. “The more aggressive and unfortunate situations are harming our kids and their involvement.”
A strategy to maintain your composure is to define your objectives for your children’s involvement in sports.
While I’d love for my son’s hockey team to win a banner so that his name would hang from the rafters for everyone to see, that’s not up to me.
My goal is for my kids to exercise, make friends, develop confidence, learn teamwork and build grit. They will never go pro. They won’t likely compete in college. And that’s fine. I’d much rather my kids find a lifelong love of a few sports, than burn out before adulthood.
Your children can list their own goals, with some parental encouragement for reasonable achievements. (For example, scoring a hat trick every game might prove pretty difficult.)
Keep the list on your fridge. That way, the Positive Coaching Alliance says, you can refer back to it throughout the season, to help you both focus on the big picture – especially when you’ve had setbacks.
Do what’s best for your family. Don’t worry about the rest.
You may be wondering if your kid should be playing at the highest level possible, or if it’s fine to stick to a recreation league.
“You don’t need to do something just because everyone else is,” said Dan Dvorak, director of strength and conditioning at Laurel School. “Do not be afraid to take a break and make your own decision. Especially if it is in the best interest of yourself or your child.”
Ask your kids what they want to do, Udelf said. Ask them if they’re having fun.
After all, that’s the point.
My son played travel baseball for a season. Who knew kids’ baseball teams had walk-up music? Laura Johnston
You’re the bow, and your child is the arrow, says Hudson Taylor, the founder of Athlete Ally, a nonprofit that champions LGBTQ+ equality in sports. Your job as a parent is to draw back the bow and send that arrow flying. You can try to aim for the bullseye, but you can’t control it in the air.
Take that metaphor a step further. You can also be the quiver, a safe home for that arrow to return to after its flight.
Because every kid needs a haven to regroup and process emotions after a hard-fought game. Help them work through the ups and downs, whether they’re practicing their next “celly” (that’s a celebration after scoring a goal), ranting about an unfair call or crying over a strike out.
When kids are upset, it’s important for parents to maintain their cool, Udelf said. You don’t want your kids to think they’ve failed as a person – or that they’ve failed you.
“You want to teach them how to deal with disappointment,” he said. “A parent needs to take a step back, take a deep breath, help the kid learn to move on.”
Parents should not try to fix the problem, he said. Rather, help your kid learn a life skill, to work hard and try again next year. And if kids are so upset they threaten to quit, parents should remember that we all say things we don’t mean when we’re under duress.
Timing is important. Let your kids know you’ve heard them and talk about it later.
Warned Udelf, if parents get upset, too, that’s like “trying to put a fire out with a can of gasoline.”
Don’t critique your kids’ performances
If your kids have a bad game, they know it. Even if you’re trying to offer constructive help, they probably don’t need you to point out every missed shot or bad pass.
My son prefers silence after hockey games. But if you have a chatty kid, try asking open-ended questions that elicit more than one-word answers. “What was your favorite part of the match?”
If you don’t know what to say, fall back on this classic: “I love watching you play.”
Youth sports are an opportunity for kids to have fun, get exercise and learn skills. They are not a blame game. You want to stoke good sportsmanship, not sore loser syndrome. You don’t want to create division.
Your kids may not want to admit it, but you’re their role model. So model good behavior. Don’t scream at the ump or correct someone else’s kid’s positioning. Don’t boo. Don’t taunt.
Demonstrate the values and if you need to, reinforce them by talking with your kid, helping them understand why it’s important to treat everyone with respect.
The opposing team might be talking trash, but doesn’t it mean more to let your game do the talking?
Summer swim team — through our city recreation department — is still a low-key, fun yet competitive sports season. Laura Johnston
If you want more playing time for your kid, but your kid hasn’t mentioned it? Probably bite your tongue. But if your kid wants to get in the game more, encourage him to talk directly to the coach. Frame the question collaboratively: “Coach, what can I do to earn more playing time during games?”
“A lot of times the coaches perceive parents to be overbearing, trying to fight for their kids,” said Virtue. “The best thing parents can do is empower kids to have conversations with coaches.”
Aha. Another life skill.
“You’re learning how to communicate with an adult,” Udelf said. “You’re not expecting an authority figure to fix the situation.”
Overextending your kid or yourself can cause physical injuries or psychological stress. Experts say rest is an imperative aspect of training. That could mean a practice-free weeknight, where kids can run around the backyard; a weekend camping with friends instead of playing another tournament; or a couple months off after a grueling season.
“Taking two to three months off and participating in an alternate activity will not only help improve athleticism but also prevent overuse injuries and burnout,” said Dvorak.
Udelf agreed.
Youth sports has gotten a little bit out of control because of the time,” he said. “Nine- and 10-year-olds are practicing more than professional athletes. In the Major Leagues, spring training lasts six weeks. With youth it lasts six months. It’s never enough… It’s important for parents to be aware and help kids have a reasonable schedule.”
The youth hockey season stretches from August until March, with multiple out-of-town tournaments and, for middle schoolers, regular late-night practice. – Laura Johnston
Perhaps you believe your child could become a celebrated basketball player. Experts argue, however, that it’s difficult to predict at ages 8 or 12 which sport a child might excel in, or who among their peers will turn out to be the best athlete by high school. Therefore, it’s advisable to engage in sports that your child enjoys and appreciate the process.
“They can also participate in other physical activities for enjoyment, like hiking, rock climbing, cycling, or yoga,” mentioned Dvorak. “Physical activities are crucial for health and well-being and don’t always need to be competitive. The greater the variety, the better.”
Engaging in various sports aids in the development of different muscle groups and also provides mental diversity.
Different friends might be involved in different sports, allowing children to experience various kinds of competitions, such as individual races versus team games. Additionally, the Positive Coaching Alliance notes that playing a variety of sports can reduce the stress associated with focusing on a single sport.
Your goal as a parent is to raise competent, kind human beings, not sports superstars. Balance is key.
Cleveland.com content director Laura Johnston writes weekly about life in her 40s in the column, Our Best Life. Subscribe to the newsletter to get the column delivered to your inbox Friday mornings. Or find her on Instagram @ourbestlifecle.
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